Reclaiming Our Power Amidst Endless Uncertainty

As we navigate this unfair world of infertility, it often feels like nothing is within our control. But there is one very important thing we can control, one thing that can make or break our spirit as we persevere towards the goal of creating our families - our inner power of choice. 

We all have this power but are often encouraged not to use it. In fact, how many times in the fertility world do we get advice suggesting that “letting go of the need to control” can help us achieve our ultimate goal of starting a family?

The need to feel in control is natural. We are drowning in a swirl of information coming at us in the form of test results, medication changes, new diagnoses, unexpected financial burdens, advice from every corner on what to eat, what supplements to take, how much to move or not move our bodies, and on and on. 

The need to feel in control in the midst of this kind of chaos is likely an evolutionary advantage that protects us from harm. We need an anchor in this storm, something that allows us to find even a moment of stillness where we can hear our own inner voice and remember that we always have and can use our inner power of choice. This power allows us to regain some much-needed control in what can often seem like a war with our own bodies.

While it may not seem like we have choices on this journey, because we don’t always like the options in front of us, we do always have choices. These include taking the time we need to make decisions about family building; choosing which paths, people and emotions best serve us; choosing to change our minds; and also, choosing to do nothing. 

Because the desire to start a family is so deep for many of us, we will do just about anything to achieve that goal, including giving away our power during the process.

We succumb to ideas, suggestions, and paths that may not actually resonate with us at our core. But because we are desperate, we reject our instincts and will try just about anything. We may place blind trust in the opinions of others, most of whom have good intentions, and some who don’t. 

I have succumbed to the lure of promises to improve my egg quality and spent thousands of dollars on protocols without any evidence, a choice that left me bitter and angry rather than hopeful and supported. But I made the choice to believe this could help, and I own that choice.

That is where our power and control lie, in owning our choices, taking the lessons learned and moving on to the next decision when things don’t work out. The outcome may be out of our control, but the decision is within our control.

I chose to try IVF with my own eggs even when the chance of success was quoted to me as being <1%. I chose to dream and to believe that I could be one of those miracle stories everyone talks about (“it only takes one,” right?). When the first round of IVF was canceled, I was offered a choice of protocols, including one that was described as using “an even bigger hammer” of medications than the protocol that failed. Instead, I advocated for a different IVF protocol, based on my own reading, research, and comfort level. The outcome was better, though still unsuccessful.

However, I felt that I had used my voice and was empowered to be part of the decision-making process, which helped me feel more in control as I shifted my mindset to the next path for creating our family: donor eggs. I had previously rejected this option when it was proposed at the very beginning of our fertility consultations. This is another example of the power and control we possess that we may have forgotten: the right to change our minds at any time. 

We don’t honor and celebrate the “growth mindset” enough in our culture. In fact, sometimes we shame people for changing their minds. But the truth is, we make decisions based on the information we have on hand, and in the fertility world, that also means we make decisions in the emotional space surrounding us in that moment.

Thus we have ample opportunity to reassess our situation, our options, our emotions, and determine if what we believed before was still true for us. We are not the same person after multiple rounds of IVF, failed transfers, new medical diagnoses, or changes in our financial circumstances. None of these things are in our control, BUT, our ability to change our minds and make new decisions based on new circumstances is 100% in our control.

After my second failed embryo transfer I chose to take a break, even though more time (the ultimate enemy in fertility!) would pass before the next attempt. Knowing that I could stop this heartbreaking and challenging process at any time gave me a further sense of power and control.

We have 2 more embryos. I know people who have decided to halt their fertility journey with embryos still in the freezer because they just don’t want to do it anymore. That is a choice. NOT doing more is a choice. Saying “enough is enough” is a choice. 

Last week during preparation for our third transfer I received a call that was not at all what I wanted to hear; we needed to take a step back and repeat a diagnostic test based on an ultrasound finding in my uterus. This transfer cycle was canceled.

As I listened to the doctor give me this news, I stepped outside of myself and considered what I most needed to feel in that moment. I “tried on” each of the emotions that were coming up for me: anger, desperation, hopelessness… I observed each one of them as though they were separate from my being (which, by the way, they are). I decided that I didn’t feel like being angry, or desperate, or hopeless. I’ve been feeling pretty good in my life lately.

I’ve chosen to view my fertility journey as just one part of my life, and it does not define me. I have other interests, goals, dreams, and things that bring me joy. Getting attached to outcomes is not healthy for me because the outcomes are out of my control. But I can choose what happens next–I can choose to retake the diagnostic test, or not. Just knowing that I have a choice detaches me from feeling helpless.

I have realized I can choose to be an active participant in this process. I get to choose what comes next, and, most importantly, I get to choose how to feel about it. I receive information from various sources but I get to choose what to do with that information and how to react to it. 

To be in control of one’s choices, thoughts and emotions is empowering, freeing. It is a key tool in support of self-advocacy. Knowing we have this power can bring a sense of peace and calm. This is a gift that is within reach for all of us.

My wish is for every person on this journey, in fertility or any aspect of life, to realize that even in the most challenging circumstances where outcomes are out of our control, we always have a choice in the way we receive and react to the information that is given to us.

I hope you will join me in taking back our power along this journey. If we approach life this way, no matter what happens, we will open ourselves to receive lessons that enhance all of our experiences and make us happier, healthier, stronger, and able to lead others to peace by our example.

Sample exercise to try when faced with uncertainty:

When you are waiting for that call updating you on the progress of a growing follicle, or reporting test results after the 2-week wait, let the phone ring a couple of times before you pick up.

• Take a moment to release the automatic tension in your body that appeared as a result of that first jarring ring and the sight of the clinic name on your phone screen.
• Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “All I am about to receive is information. What I do with that information is MY choice. It is within my power to label this information as 'good' or 'bad,' or to simply call it what it is: information.”
• When you answer the phone, imagine yourself as an empty vessel made of clear glass. Let the words coming from the voice on the other line flow into you without attaching any meaning to them. They are just marbles in a jar.
• See if you can notice in real-time what emotions are trying to react to this information–surprise, joy, confusion, pain, anger, hurt, unfairness, despair, hope, gratitude…no matter what comes up try to not get attached to any of it, just look at it through the glass and see what is there.
• You now have a choice. Which of these emotions do you want to pick up, if any of them? How does it feel to be angry…is this what you need?
• If so, grasp it with intention and understanding of how it is ultimately helping you process and regain your power.

In this way, you can intentionally use emotion to your benefit, without it using you. It is the one way we have to regain control of this journey, to choose our reaction to the unforeseen, unpredictable events that happen all along the way. 

Danielle Day is a scientist, yoga teacher, cat mom, and 5-year-strong fertility warrior. Her passion is supporting women by researching, advocating and educating on women's health issues and by mentoring women to help them achieve their professional and personal goals.

Danielle believes in talking openly about the hard, ugly truths that make up the patchwork of our beautiful lives, and in using openness and non-judgment to find deeper connection with one another. She also believes there is a warrior within all of us, and will do whatever she can to help others find their strength when they can't seem to find it within themselves.